A conversation with Dumar Ulyanov

Save 9/11
I hate what has happened to the world. There is too much war, too many problems. This is turning out to be a bad start for the century. I blame it all on 9/11. & myself. I was asleep at the wheel on 9/10.
You may not know this but I am powerful. I control this universe. Let me walk that back, I can control certain things in this universe & I like to think of myself as one who acts, one who takes things into his own hands, even if it means getting dirty. Well I’m fed up with the current state of affairs. I gotta fix this.
I dream that if it weren't for 9/11 the world would be a better place. Rainbows in Africa & honeydew drops of love all around. I see long lasting peace & wealth being spread to all parts of the world. Without war, I see globalization helping to mature all citizens of the world beginning a utopic state of co-existence. Of course without 9/11 other issues arise but those issues are all ones that can be addressed through peaceful & thoughtful dialogue. 9/11 destroyed the dreams I had for the future before 9/11 happened. Here. I have located a point. Now I must go to that point & fix the problem. I have to stop 9/11.
I can do it. I know I can. I'm that strong. I can control certain things in this universe. I run. I run run run & I run hard & time goes back & I run all the way to 9/10. Early morning. What terrific air to breathe, that pre 9/11 air. So crisp, so fresh. It’s been polluted ever since. I’m outside Boston with a rental car. Go to a local gun store & buy a gun & a silencer.
I kill all of the high-jackers that would have caused 9/11. I kill all but one, with him I tell him how I knew. Time-travelers love freaking out people from the past by telling them they traveled through time, they just can’t help but tell all their secrets to the past. I say to him You guys did it. You really did it tomorrow. You fucking changed the world. I hate you but I got to say what you won’t do tomorrow was incredible work. He doesn’t understand. How could I have done something or not tomorrow? You just killed all the other high-jackers, we can’t have done what we wanted to do tomorrow. I say Well yes & no, see, I saw you do what you won’t do tomorrow, I saw you do that many years ago & you won, but since then I have remembered that I can control certain things in this universe & so I went back in time to stop you guys. A light bulb went off over his head. So, he asked, time travel exists? Yes, I said as I pointed the gun at his face, and he said Whoa far out & the look in his eyes, the wonder, his last thought knowing that time travel exists & wow what a wonderful world. Woosh! I killed all the high-jackers before they became high-jackers. Technically I murdered 20 innocent Muslim men. That sounds like a hate crime.
A nationwide manhunt is underway. A sketch of a generic black man is made public. Links to Farrakhan are quickly made & the Nation of Islam is blamed for yet another time-traveler. The black man is taken into custody. America comes together to mourn the loss of these innocent Muslim men. George W. Bush makes appearances on tv with Arab Muslims & America learns about true Islam & vows to prosecute this evil fundamentalist who killed all these men in their hotel rooms as they were preparing to take trips together innocently around America. To show solidarity with the 20 murdered men who never committed terrorism, who everybody assumed were taking one way “friendship tours” to different areas of America, activist groups of friends of five travel together to reenact the small vacations these men were hoping to take. It becomes a big thing to pose for pictures of five friends going through security without hardly any security to speak of, for some reason the popular photo is one from a security angle with five friends going through light security & getting on planes together to show love for the Murdered Muslim 20. It becomes a real thing. A quasi-mecca happening for people against these senseless murders on 9/10. A defining moment for a nation, months of fodder for newspapers & tv.
On 9/11 I relish in the beautiful day as life goes on & the buildings stand & the city continues & everybody lives. The murders of 9/10 are just being reported on tv & that story will get big all week long, prompting people to take two days off from work because of their outrage over this horrible act.
No one knows what I did. 9/11 didn't happen & so nobody knows what that means. & they’re all really upset about these bastards who I killed for them. The way everybody in America is so focused on this justified homicide & making a big deal of it like these guys’ lives mattered bothers me to no end. I want to get out of here. I want to go back to the future & be with my future people. I try to run back to the future but I can’t run back to the future. I want to see how this plays out in the future, if the world is a better place or what, but I can’t get back to the future, so I stay in that time & I become disgusted with that time, time & time again. These people suck, they are extremely superficial. They are nothing like the New Yorkers I knew after 9/11. They don’t understand pain & loss & they don’t act with humility & they don’t care. These people deserve to get a god-damn plane smacked into their fucking foreheads. It's so whack here. They are racist & fat & greedy & capitalists & unaware & they like corny shit. I tell them You don’t fucking know shit man, you don’t even understand 9/11 man & they say to me Dude you mean 9/10, the Murdered Muslim 20. Nothing ever happened on 9/11. That date means nothing. & I say You don’t understand! 9/11 was real man, 9/11 was real! It was an inside job & it was real! & I stopped it, I stopped it! They say to me You’re crazy, We don’t understand you. I say How can you not understand 9/11? You’re supposed to never forget, Never Forget!
These people need a 9/11. I mean they have no perspective on life, they have no soul, they live in a dreamland, in a fake universe, in a time that is out of time, with their beuoogie problems and they don’t know shit, they need a 9/11. I try to run back in time to stop myself from killing the high-jackers, I run & I run & I run but it doesn’t work. I’m stuck here in a 9/11-less place & time, a world where nobody ever heard of planes smashing buildings & the tears of a nation & the massive tear in the fabric that shielded us from the supreme chaos. It’s time these folks learned a lesson & class is in session. Y’all need 9/11. I have to orchestrate it on my own.
I don't want to have only Muslim soldiers for this mission like that last one, I want to play with the future, see what comes out, push this fight beyond old fashioned religion beefs & make it a true battle to reset everything to zero. I get various nut-jobs with assorted gripes about American policy; Native Americans, Black Americans, Asian Americans, Irish Americans, right wing kkk, kgb, nicaragua, hiroshima, mai lai, trail of tears, slavery, prison state, rule by fear, supporting dictators for profit, never ending progress, never ending progress.
I train 19 guys to do what I stopped. I train 19 guys to commit the act I hate the most ever. I train 19 guys to perform my nightmare in real life. I easily manipulate them even though many have opposing views & would never work together, but I keep them in the dark as to who will be helping their mission. As America mourns the loss of the Murdered Muslim 20, erecting statues to their memory, filming movies of their lives in Hamburg & Munich as buddies and writing book after god-damned book about the virtues of these 20 men, I am training 19 guys to be the terrorists that America always needed. I saw the Taliban videos, I get these guys on the monkey bars & I have them do drills crawling on their bellies. I give them box cutters. We go to a tittie bar. The last tits you gonna see boys, before you change the world. We go back to the motel. A time-traveler comes to our motel door & he says he is the pizza-delivery-guy & we ordered pizza so we let him in, but he opens the pizza box & pulls out a futuristic gun to kill us all because, as he explains before he shoots, what we do is terrible & ruins the future, & I’m glad he is a pompous time-traveler & took all that time to explain his mission because I thought a time-traveler would come to stop us because I thought that maybe what we are doing is really fucked up & we should stop & I thought that if I thought that then a time-traveler might come back so I stashed a secret gun ready for any time-traveler & when said pizza-man/time-traveler told us his story & was about to wipe us out I shot him dead. I told my new high-jackers that that guy was a fake but I knew he was a real. I remind them about their box cutters & the pilots & I Pontius Pilate myself out of their affairs.
They do it on 9/11, one year later. I don't do it with them. I watch as the twin towers are destroyed by the terrorists that I trained. Everybody is in shock. I am vindicated. Now you know what 9/11 means. Now you understand what I was saying. Who’s crazy now? They won’t thank me. The media, as if they had it already taped & cued to go, explain how the terrorists were Muslims, all Muslims & the war must now go to the Middle East. The tv lied, they didn’t publish the hodge-podge manifesto we wrote in cut-out letters from the newspaper reminiscent of hostage ransom notes which explained all of the many grievances & ghosts in America’s closet, the many good reasons for blowing that country to kingdom-come, instead the tv said it was all for allah. The picture they have of me on the tv is not me, it’s a fat balding Muslim guy in my undershirt. The high-jackers are Muslim terrorists with Taliban & Osama B in Jihad & none of those ideas were in our ransom-less ransom note, I wrote we did it because all is chaos & nihilism & it is what it is & y’all don’t understand what 9/11 means. Nope, they went with Taliban & Jihad. Fucking repeat. Change the channel. The war on oil-lands for the control of oil until the oil runs out will continue as planned. The world is one year behind but catches up quickly.