2. Do I look like a fucking people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39. And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
WORDS OF WISDOM
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead, do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow, do not walk beside me either, just leave me the hell
alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably worth it.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative
one.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them gently.
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
The trouble with work is - it's so daily.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people are crazy. Check 3 friends, if
they are OK, you're it.
Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a
scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
9. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
11. We waste time, so you don't have to.
12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
13. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
14. Succeed in spite of management.
15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
A prayer for the stressed.....
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of
those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be
connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work....12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40%
on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays and help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to
piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my
middle finger and tell them to bite me.
=======
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few .
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You
1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest??
Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.
Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere